| beware of what the devil do tell 'em that your soul's not for sale |
[05 Feb 2008|06:02pm] |
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Up untill about 7 months ago i seen myself as entirely my own person. I didnt depend on anyone, i didnt particularly need anyone and i did things for me. I had one of those weird thought changing moments today walking to my bus, i realised that ive become pretty much the opposite, well, not so much become, ive been the same all along, i think i just realised it today. Lets face it, i cant handle life without friends. Going from going out every single weekend, at the least, to once a month (if im lucky) was a strange concept to grasp. I thought school would change this but if anything its made it worse ( i think i actualy managed to send my Careers Advisor into a deep depression after my sob story today about weekends haha). Atleast before i had the hope of it. Ive never 'needed' a boyfriend, but now i dont know how id cope without Graham. He really is my backbone and the basis for pretty much all of my thoughts, as pathetic as it sounds. I love him more than anything cause hes the reason i think.
And i realised today, that everything i do is to please everyone else, though it may not seem it. Moving back is one of the main things im doing to change this. Though its not the best option academically, I need Scotland, i need a social life and my friends and i need Graham. And im building up so much hate, i constantly moan about how everything here is shite and how things are different from how they are in Scotland.. i never realised how proud i was of home..
I need to ask myself some thingss. whats more important, getting into uni having had the last few years of teenagehood unhappy, probably with some serious psychological issues and maturing far too much for my own good but having lived with my family for an extra year, or having a good time, with the people ive realised i somehow require? I guess no matter how self sufficiant and stable you think you are, you will always need other people. We are never content. Maybe its just my personality, but to be honest id rather have everyone than noone, even if it means im more susceptable to being hurt. Civi life stole my soul. I want it back.
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[03 Sep 2007|10:21pm] |
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mood |
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 you tell me bigboy |
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What ive heard of the new alkaline trio album is fucking amazing. It's on the download.
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[26 Aug 2007|08:12pm] |
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well, that helped, i feel like a much better human being having read that.
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[25 Aug 2007|04:19pm] |
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mood |
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[17 Aug 2007|02:31am] |
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mood |
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Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder
xxx
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[04 Aug 2007|05:32am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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germany is strange, pictures await.
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[27 Jul 2007|05:25am] |
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mood |
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its quite strange cause right now i can hear a train going aong the same track that was used to transport jews to the bergen belsen camp. odd.
things are definatly looking up, i spent literally hours crying tonight and my mum came through and made me realise a few things. 2 months really isnt that long when you think about it. like my 16th was over 2 months ago. its going to fly past. grahams getting another job so he can pay for tickets and when i do get to see him it will be epic. i can go to school and get a weekend job so i can save for flights back over. then if i want to come home at the start of next year, i will. i can live with gran or adam untill i have a proper job or i can get into a college course and get lots of bursary money considering my circumstances. untill then i still have msn and ill get to talk to him/everyone else on that. i had a really braw chat ith matty tonight aswel. made me realise that this situation really isnt that bad. obviously its quite shite just now but its definatly getting better. me and graham arnt realy goin out anymore but tht doesnt change my feelings for him. just because we dont have an official label doesnt mean i dont feel the same for him. i still love him and he still loves me. and i know ill get him properly back one day (hopefully not too far away). 3rd time lucky and all that. ill see him soon and hes coming on msn tomorro (tonight) so ill get to chat to him then :)
nae clue what im doing tomorrow, think were taking a walk into town, probably going to that amazing ice cream shop (Y) i need some shoes too cause i only have my adidas ones and flip flops haha.
right im pure shattered, time for bed. xxxx
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[25 Jul 2007|09:22pm] |
leaving was probably the hardest thing ive ever had to do and i dont think ive ever missed someone as much as i miss graham right now.
fife for life.
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[22 Jul 2007|02:46am] |
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mood |
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horny |
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( more.. )
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[16 Jul 2007|05:44pm] |
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i move country in 8 days.
8 fucking days.
its scary how fast this has all happened.
so folk, if you want to see me before i go, you have 8 days to make an effort.
im so bloody crabbit today.
on another note, im slighly dissapointed by pendulums new song. still really good tho.
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[13 Jul 2007|02:09am] |
camping was fucking awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwesome. actually proper amazing. such a good time. exactly what i needed. my friends are the fucking bomb.
had a nice wee chat with suz and sorted everything out with her, turns out she doesnt hate me haha yaas
had a couple of nice chats with graham again. twas braw. hes one of my best friends.
i miss kate though :(
fuuck foreeeeeeveeeeer
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| in god we trust |
[10 Jul 2007|07:43pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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so today i learned that when you think you know someone, you never do. by this i mean kirstyn. ive genuinely never been so shocked in my life. of all the people it could have been, kirstyn was the last person i expected it to be. im really hurt and dissapointed. i hope she realises my respect and trust in her has plummeted. i cant beleive it.
i hate this. :( . whyyyy?!
oh well.
too late now.
on a brighter note me and graham are so close just now. he never fails to cheer me up. im so grateful for him being here, even if he doesnt realise that he's helping me. he's one of my best friends. its (pleasantly) insane. i can tell him anything. :)
i dont want to move away from him and everyone else, but it means getting away from this shithole and the fake people that reside in it.
gosh.
www.fotolog.com/hc_svnt_dracones
i made a fotolog. its cool.
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| all things aside, im not sure if i can help you this time.. |
[03 Jul 2007|02:52pm] |
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it's funny how this exact moment will just be a memory from like 5 or 10 years ago one day.
and i'm sitting wasting my time updating my livejournal to tell you all what's already happened.
doesn't really make sense does it?
so here's a short list.
hiya morning&about 500 texts, hii graham :), crawling out of bed and both of us still half asleep and graham hating me for getting him out of bed haha, car, home, shower, hello leavers form, bye bye school, kates, mines, ready, leroys party, tesco, 2 for £2, peach, hiya mc hammer, mc hammer says hello bed, croose, 50mph, the longest road in the world and the longest amount of time ive ever driven, byebye kate, hello bed. hello morning, cheers for that cup of tea mum :), hello umbrolly ringtone&graham, msn, happy 18th matty, lj.
tonight i shall paint.
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[29 Jun 2007|01:24am] |
ive had such an excellent week. i miss him already, i'm so gay!
need a hug!
think kirstyns in a huff tho :/
:(
3 weeks on tuesday :(
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[26 Jun 2007|09:47pm] |
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mood |
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groggy |
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So Mikes on a rager with me cause i told him about Graham. I can understand why he's pissed off but fuck, he wasnt intrested. i really liked him and it seemed that all he was intrested in was gettin a beej or 3. i mean fuck sake. i actually cried myself to sleep one night because of him. he had his chance and he never took it, he just keep stringin me along. but i cant help but feel like a total fucking asshole. i should have cleared things up with him before moving on but ken, its hard when hes in another country. i'm sorry. :( but i wasnt going to wait forever.
nevertheless..
stayed at grahams on sunday and monday night. sunday was lovely. watched walk the line then boosted up to beddd.
monday night matty, cowan and adam, graham and mee all went to grahams. white diamond and some weird foreign absinthe shots adams cousin got him for his 18th were drank. cowan left then graham lost his hash and went on a rager, it was funny as fuck. adam and matty left. went up to bedd. spoke for a while then conked ooot. it was lovely. i really like him. really like him. its so strange being back with him. it just feels like before. its stunning.
ive always liked him. i just didnt like talking about it. touchy.
touchy.
touch my willy.
and i nearly came and he wasnt even "touching me" or anything. genious.
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[18 Jun 2007|06:49pm] |
one day i was in an office job, next day i was doing what i didnt know i loved,
it happened so quickly but it seems to work for me,
one day i was so depressed i didnt know where my life would take me next,
i closed my eyes and just let my gut guide me,
i just let it guide me.
i put my glasses on and i looked into the future just to see what it holds,
i got myself a producer so my stories could be told.
i hopped on the boat where its going we dont know-ow.
just gotta go with the flow
i gotta go with the flow ow oww, ow oww,
oh oh ohh oh ohh..
one day i was moaning to my friend about being stuck in my rut once again.
she had to catch a plane but she said dont worry things will change.
one day i was feelin so cold i said i dont wanna look back and regret things when im old.
i put up my hoodie and just waited for the wind to blow
wherever it takes me ill go
i put my glasses on and i looked into the future just to see what it holds,
i got myself a producer so my stories could be told.
i hopped on the boat where its going we dont know-ow.
just gotta go with the flow
i gotta go with the flow ow oww, ow oww,
oh oh ohh oh ohh..
oh oh oh.. ohh wow oh wow oh..
go-oh-oh-oh-oh
i put my glasses on and i looked into the future just to see what it holds,
i got myself a producer so my stories could be told.
i hopped on the boat where its going we dont know-ow.
just gotta go with the flow
i gotta go with the flow ow oww, ow oww,
oh oh ohh oh ohh..
oh oh ohh oh ohh..
go with the flow.
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[01 Jun 2007|03:58pm] |
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mood |
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gratefull |
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protanto's journal
lonlabbit